Metamorphosis

@ofaspen

💛 Caroline

♬ original sound - via

META // MORPH - an extension of our reality, changing before our eyes

When pondering a title, nothing came to mind. It’s not quite spring with all her flowers blooming proudly yet, but the cold and barren winter is already in the threshold. We’re in between seasons, in between time.

Time is moving at a speed unfamiliar to us. Events blowing past like telephone poles on the open road. If you turn away for merely a second, life flashes past.

Experiencing reality, or an extension of it, changing before our eyes. Our bodies feel the shift, confused on when to wake and when to slumber, when to focus and when to distract, not knowing what is normal or abnormal. 

Our insides reflect our outsides, our inner worlds pondering what’s wrong with the outside one. Our stomachs’ tied in knots and brains’ fried to mush, our reflection of the world is sick and tired.

At times it feels as more planes are in the sky than birds, and more headaches form instead of brave ideas. We’ve morphed into something we’re not, we’ve accepted the meta-reality.

//

I’ve struggled over the past few months, more so than usual, on how to feel useful. It all feels pointless, on many days; I hate the system. I always have. I felt unincluded, wondering how to get in, but also, why was I wrong for thinking outside the box? I’ve come to terms with many things over the years, but never the system. It’s broken, and broken things need a fix.

//

Working for myself was a great solution. I had so much control over what I got to do, who I worked with, and what my day looked like, until I didn’t. I realized that over the years my days looked like everyone else’s. Long, grueling, and the same. 

I love what I do, my job is amazing, truly, but it started to mirror what I was afraid of. It didn’t blend with my circadian rhythm, it didn’t embrace my need for alone time to recharge, time for discovery, or even time for my own art practice. I realize that sounds silly, maybe, at least to those with different needs, or those stuck in a cubicle-mindset for most of their lives, but I chose to be my own boss for a reason, so I could take care of myself.

My days consisted of tasks, non-stop. Ordering inventory, managing deliveries, packing orders, filming content, responding to inquiries, managing staff and payments, filling out forms, accounting info, or whatever else was on the list for the day, and, running a retail store. I had set up a beast, and chose to include monthly product drops, always pumping out more. This was a huge triumph, both for Of Aspen as a company, and for me, to somehow accomplish these mega projects on a monthly timeline and still manage the other spinning plates. They were always spinning.

I am burned out. I have been, for a long time. I think saying that can have different meanings, and it will look different for each person, but for me, it means complete collapse. I started taking days off for the first time in 8 years, because I wanted to, but mostly because I needed to. My body, on the brink of collapse, my mind, pudding, and my creativity, a dried up well. Pushing through season after season, year after year of go, go, go, has been a great lesson in growth. Learning about supply and demand in real time. Not something the human body can maintain for the good part of a decade. After the last holiday season and finally getting that long-awaited break for New Years, I needed a reset.

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New Years, always connected to the word ‘Resolution,’ at least to me. My chosen word for an english project in high school, a paper written solely about the meaning/our interpretation of one word, and resolution stood out to me. 

In a nutshell, you initially think of setting New Year’s resolutions for the coming year: fitness, reading goals, financial freedom, whatever it may be, and it’s like a catalyst for change. Resolution is also the answer to a problem. I think it could include compromise, or a duct-tape fix, but it’s still solving an issue, remediating the problem. When thinking of those two meanings, they act similarly, if not the same. A New Year’s resolution for financial freedom could include halting any frivolous spending, saving money by switching habits, working more, changing jobs, endless things, but those are all also fixes to the problem, the problem, being in a financially unstable state.

//

Over New Years, when I was finally on break, but also feeling like I was on my death bed from sickness and exhaustion, I was tumbling my resolution paper around in my head. Thinking about how I needed to start fresh, how “this is the year to get my life together”, how something was broken and I needed to find a resolution because I couldn’t keep going on like this. I remembered that I was the one forcing myself into a mold that I didn’t fit in. I wasn’t someone who enjoyed the standard workday, or work-year for that matter. I didn’t follow the same cycles that our system does, the same sleep schedule, the same anything. I can control my day, and I am going to do that. 

I love research rabbit holes, diving into something new and devouring all sorts of content about that interest. I love little trinkets and meaningful music and special spots in nature. I love symbolism and mythology and the world of inner knowing. I let those parts of me diminish as I tried to hold onto the reins of our past system, but I’m not doing that anymore. 

I’m not making something from scratch, but I’m not staying the same. I’ve been stuck in my chrysalis, and it feels like it’s starting to rattle. I enjoyed my time learning and growing as a caterpillar, developing the foundations of my business, but it also showed me I needed rest and nutrients and time to ponder the possibilities of what’s next. My chrysalis, my body, showing me it needed to stop and hibernate. I’m glad I listened. I’m still not quite sure what’s outside this little shell I’ve made, but this next chapter is for discovery. Saying yes to adventures again, and saying no to things I didn’t have the courage to say no to before. Trying new things, following those rabbit holes when I find them, and allowing my creative being to flourish. 

//

So when I asked myself what to name this collection, something that has some meaning to me as I work on unearthing what’s next, I felt Metamorphosis was accurate. Yes, butterflies are included, but more so an acknowledgement that change is okay, and is the most natural thing, and following your gut will always be right. It can be scary to change when all you’ve known is one way, but a chrysalis is waiting for you to slow down, reset, and birth the new version of you. 

Seeing as March marks the beginning of the year, as it once was, this feels like the most fitting time to announce this reincarnation. I will no longer hold myself to impossible standards and 120 hour work weeks. I will simply do what I can, and that is all. For the time, we may stick to monthly collections, but that might change, it most certainly will. I don’t want to push my creativity into a box, forcing myself to come up with ideas on such a strict timeline, when inspiration strikes, so will I. 

This collection is inspired by what I’ve been interested in recently. Magnetic clips which I’ve used for long nights of reading, hand-painted journals for recording my dreams and mind-mapping ideas, mini notebooks for tossing in my bag for impromptu adventures, all with little clear pockets for storing memorable leaves or ticket stubs. Tool boxes and markers, because sorting art supplies brings me so much joy, especially as I found myself trying to initiate a spring clean of sorts at home, I often distracted myself by sorting my supplies. 

I’m trying new things, setting different goals, holding myself to a standard that is foreign to me, and these are the things that called to me and helped nurse me back to health. Reading, writing, junk journaling, sorting, dancing, all the things that rewire my brain to enjoying the little things again.

I’m unsure how frequently I’ll be checking in, it does seem like business favors structure and I do not, however, I intend to post when I feel inspired and share parts of my journey with you. Thanks for being kind, and for being a little leaf. Remember, you’re not stuck, you’re entering metamorphosis. 

- Caroline 
// 3.5.26